All The Ugliness Inside

I'm gonna be 110% honest here. There's no point of writing my thoughts if I'm just gonna lie through all of them, mold them into what people wanna hear. I'm just gonna tell you what I think, maybe what I feel. And sometimes, that involves revealing some of my most intimate thoughts, the ones I hide under my pillow every night, the ones I run through my hands without really understanding them, before I toss them back under my pillow again.

Except sometimes, these thoughts are bulky, not at all smooth. And sometimes, when I slip them back under my pillow, I can still feel them underneath my conscious. And sometimes these same thoughts, with all their unwanted bulkiness, keep me up at night.

This is what I feel like it means to be one's own enemy.

And this? This is one of those thoughts.

To be honest, I'm not the greatest person in the world (shocking, I know). I'll let you copy my lecture notes, my homework, anything. I'll go sleepless worrying over something that's worrying you. I'll think of you often. I'll try my best to make you smile. I'll pray for you.

But honestly? I wouldn't take a bullet for you. I wouldn't catch a grenade for you. I wouldn't give my life up to save yours.

(My God, I can already feel the social glare burning holes through the back of my neck.)

It's selfish, I know. But I'm not gonna sit here and tell you, "Yeah, of course I'd die for you," when in reality, I have no intention of doing so.

Maybe that'll change later on. I hope it will change. I think I just haven't reached that level of Eman yet, where I can place someone else's life before mine.

And it bothers me. I'm not comfortable with myself for being this way, and that's the only thing that makes me think that hey, maybe there's still hope. Maybe one day I'll wake up and take a bullet for a stranger and be at peace with my decision. Because when you're uncomfortable with something, you'll jump at the first chance you get to change the situation.

Just keep this "shameless and selfish" blogger in your prayers.

*This only applies to people outside my immediate family circle (i.e., parents, brothers, or sisters). I'm comfortable with giving my life up to save one of theirs.