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Be mindful of Allah, and Allah will protect you. Be mindful of Allah, and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, ask of Allah; if you seek help, seek help of Allah. Know that if the Nation were to gather together to benefit you with anything, it would benefit you only with something that Allah had already prescribed for you, and that if they gather together to harm you with anything, they would harm you only with something Allah had already prescribed for you.

The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.

17 November 2010

The Conspiracy Against Females

You know what sucks?

A vacuum?

…okay, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?

A black hole?

Alright, alright, you know what just isn't cool?

Lava?

-.- CHUT UP AND LET ME GET TO THE POINT. The universe is conspiring against the female sex. AND I HAVE PROOF. AND I WON'T STAND FOR IT.

Seriously, like its not enough that we have to deal with menstruation and child birth, but we have all this un-cool (un-lava) stuff to deal with as well.

POCKETS. I love pockets! AND WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH OF THEM! You walk into a store to buy some clothes and then you realize, the article of clothing has pockets! And you get all happy! And then you realize, wait a sec, these are fake pockets. And then you get all melancholy.

DEODORANTS. Our deodorants stink (metaphorically, not literally. If they stunk literally, that would really stink (pun intended. Mind blown yet?)). What the hell is "Revive" and "Powder Fresh" and "Diva la Daisy"?? Guy deodorants smell so much nicer. How come we don't have an equivalent of Axe? Body spray is not the same. I want something I can Pit-Pit-Chest with.

THE HATE GENE. This is phunny, because … it's phunny. You don't usually hear a male talk about one of his best friends saying, "Oh, we stopped being best friends. He was totally trying to make me look bad in front of my crush." I like that about the male sex; they're very laid back about things. Everyone is "cool people" to them. Girls on the other hand, we're blessed with the hate gene. "Best friends" is 90% of the time just code for "we still hate each other, but we can deal with it". WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG.

MESSY HAIR. On a guy, its cute. On a girl, its "ew, go do something about that."

Anyone else share the same sentiments?

Irrelevant (sorta/ kinda?) but still phunny.

09 November 2010

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

The ER physician pulled back the curtains of the room and gave the patient a quick hello before reaching over and turning the hospital TV off.

"I'm just going to turn this off for a few minutes or I might start watching TV and stop paying attention to you," he said with a chuckle.

The patient stared back, twisting his fingers nervously, a polite smile on his face. He seemed young, maybe mid-twenties, for his hair was still thick and dark, and his features still carried the reminiscence of obstinatious college days. The physician folded his hands behind his back.

"So what seems to be the problem?" he asked, even though the answer was staring him back in the face, literally.

The patient pointed at his right eye. "My eye. It hurts and my vision is kinda fuzzy." His right eye was slightly protruding, but not too much to notice unless you really looked hard. It looked like he was glaring, except he was only doing it with one eye.

"When exactly did this pain start?" the physician asked, walking closer to the bed and taking a pen light out of his pocket.

"Uh, I don't know, three days ago?"

"Can you describe the pain?"

"Yeah, it's like a pressure almost."

"Okay, I'm just going to ask you to lay back please."

The patient toed his shoes off and laid back on the hospital bed. The physician leaned over and passed the pen light over the patient's eyes, testing his pupil reaction to light.

"Just follow my finger with your eyes. No, no, don't move your head, just with your eyes."

The physician put the pen light back in his pocket and frowned. "I'm not seeing any redness. You don't have a headache, do you?"

"No."

"What about the visual changes you were referring to. You said your vision is a little fuzzy?"

"Yeah, its like looking our of a camera lens when its out of focus; everything is fuzzy."

"Any darkness?"

"Yeah, a little I guess, just around the edges."

The physician nodded. "Do you work?"

"Yeah, I'm the manager of a Walgreens photo department."

"Do you smoke?"

"No."

"Alcohol?"

"Yeah, but just socially."

"Drugs?"

"No."

"And you live alone?"

"No, I have a room mate."

"Okay. So here's what we're going to do. I'm a little concerned about the visual changes, so I'm going to order a CT scan of your head, just to make sure everything's alright there. Then we're going to give you some Percocet for the pain. In the mean time, I'm going to have a nurse come in and give you a visual acuity check, just to see where we stand. Sound fair?"

The patient nodded.

"Okay, I'll put the orders in. We'll talk again in a little." The physician turned on his heel, his white coat flapping behind him, and suddenly stopped short, the curtain in his hand. He paused and looked back at the patient. "Are you on any medication right now?"

"Well, no, not at the moment."

"What about the last twenty four hours?"

"No."

"Any medical problems?"

"No."

"Okay, sounds great."

The doctor left the room, the curtain billowing behind him.



* TWO HOURS LATER *



The physician walked back into the room, followed by two residents in white coats over sea green scrubs. The patient looked at them nervously as they crowded the small room.

The physician spoke. "These are the hospital's OMFS (Oral and Maxillofacial Surgery)residents, they basically deal with dental problems and things of that nature."

The patient blinked. "Dental problems? What's wrong with my teeth?" He absently lifted his hand to the right side of his jaw.

"Did you have any work done on any of your teeth recently?" One of the residents asked.

"Y-yeah, I had one of my wisdom teeth pulled out last week. Why?"

The residents exchanged knowing glances, then the same resident spoke. "And have you had any accidents within the past five years? Any fractures?"

The patient looked worried now. "Well, yeah, I used to skate board back in college. I had an accident and fell down pretty bad and, uh, I fractured my cheek bone."

The other resident grinned. "So you're saying you broke your face?"

The patient flushed. "Yeah, basically."

Now it was the physician who spoke.

"Okay, here's what we think happened. When you had your wisdom tooth extracted, the area got infected, which is common with these kind of things, especially if it was a deep extraction, but that's why the dentist usually prescribes Amoxicillin, or an antibiotic of some sort, just to, you know, prevent an infection, but anyway," the doctor waved his hands dismissively, "what happened is that the infection spread from your mouth up into your head, in the area behind your cheek bone. Luckily, you had scar tissue there from when the fracture healed, and that's what kept the infection from spreading further up. So instead, it kind of stopped there and stared pooling up until it was right beneath your eye, and as it grew in size, it started pressing against your optic nerves. That's the pressure you said you were feeling, and its also the reason behind your visual changes." 

The doctor stared at the patient. "Quite honestly, had you waited a few more days, you would have been blind."

* * *


He was only fourteen when he moved to a new neighborhood and switched schools. It was then that he met one of his to-be-closest friend, who was also a "new kid" and who liked skateboarding. And that was how he decided that for his birthday, he would ask his parents for a skateboard too, so he and his new friend can go skate together. And then one day when he was practicing at the skate park, he accidentally rolled over on a lizard of some sort, and later told his science teacher about it. And that's when he decided he wanted to be a Wild Life Sciences major in college, and that's exactly what he did. And then one day when he woke up late for class, he had to take a back seat in his sophomore English lecture, and that's when he happened to notice the girl sitting next to him, who had brown eyes and a pretty smile. And that's when he decided he had fallen in love, and he switched his major to photography to be with the girl, who dumped him two years later because she was a lesbian. And a few months later, he graduated with a photography degree and was jobless for six months and started drinking. And then one day in the middle of September, his high school friend came knocking on his door, with his skate board tucked under his arm, and a sad smile pasted on his lips, and he told him to put some shoes on, they were going skating. And that's when he remembered how much he liked skating. And then he found out about a skateboarding competition that gave a good wad of money for its first place winner, and his friend told him to sign up. And that's how he found himself in a hospital bed a few hours after the competition, with a fractured cheek bone. And that's when he sobered up and decided to go job hunting again, and that's how he landed a job as a sales associate at a local Walgreens. And two years later, when the manager of the photography department was fired for embezzlement, he told his boss about his photography degree and got the position of photo department manager. And then two weeks ago, he felt annoyed by the pain in his jaw, by his wisdom tooth, and a week later, he had it extracted. And that's when he got the infection.

And had he done one thing differently, had he not moved to a different neighborhood when he was fourteen, or caught his friend's contagious interest in skateboarding. Had he never run over that lizard and taken up an interest in animals, or had he not gone to the college he went to. Had he only pressed the snooze button twice rather than three times, and gotten up on time for his sophomore English class, and had he never asked the girl sitting next to him to a movie. Had she never broken his heart two years later, or had he found a job right after graduating, or had his friend never came back to ask him to skate. Had he never signed up for that competition, had he not gotten that fracture that gave him that scar tissue, and had he decided to ignore his wisdom tooth pain and not go to the dentist to have it extracted. Had he waited just another day before deciding his eye pain probably needed medical attention, and maybe today he would have been blind.


31 October 2010

All The Ugliness Inside

I'm gonna be 110% honest here. There's no point of writing my thoughts if I'm just gonna lie through all of them, mold them into what people wanna hear. I'm just gonna tell you what I think, maybe what I feel. And sometimes, that involves revealing some of my most intimate thoughts, the ones I hide under my pillow every night, the ones I run through my hands without really understanding them, before I toss them back under my pillow again.

Except sometimes, these thoughts are bulky, not at all smooth. And sometimes, when I slip them back under my pillow, I can still feel them underneath my conscious. And sometimes these same thoughts, with all their unwanted bulkiness, keep me up at night.

This is what I feel like it means to be one's own enemy.

And this? This is one of those thoughts.

To be honest, I'm not the greatest person in the world (shocking, I know). I'll let you copy my lecture notes, my homework, anything. I'll go sleepless worrying over something that's worrying you. I'll think of you often. I'll try my best to make you smile. I'll pray for you.

But honestly? I wouldn't take a bullet for you. I wouldn't catch a grenade for you. I wouldn't give my life up to save yours.

(My God, I can already feel the social glare burning holes through the back of my neck.)

It's selfish, I know. But I'm not gonna sit here and tell you, "Yeah, of course I'd die for you," when in reality, I have no intention of doing so.

Maybe that'll change later on. I hope it will change. I think I just haven't reached that level of Eman yet, where I can place someone else's life before mine.

And it bothers me. I'm not comfortable with myself for being this way, and that's the only thing that makes me think that hey, maybe there's still hope. Maybe one day I'll wake up and take a bullet for a stranger and be at peace with my decision. Because when you're uncomfortable with something, you'll jump at the first chance you get to change the situation.

Just keep this "shameless and selfish" blogger in your prayers.






*This only applies to people outside my immediate family circle (i.e., parents, brothers, or sisters). I'm comfortable with giving my life up to save one of theirs.

19 October 2010

Dear Rhetoric Major

God, I hate you.

And in order for me to get my recommended 8 hours of sleep, I have to go to bed now.

I'll finish my hate-post later.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR.

...AND I'M NOT THAT PARANOID.

16 October 2010

Mini-Auto Biography

I figured I'd need one, y'know, for when I become famous and people start google-ing my name. :P

I was born in the bustling city of St. Petersburg, more specifically in Peterhof, the youngest of four daughters and I was raised a Grand Duchess. When I was eight years old, my father threw a grand ball to celebrate the 300th anniversary of Romanov rule. My grandmother was giving me a beautiful music box that sang a song we both knew so well, and a sparkling necklace that said "Together in Paris". Suddenly, a bad man (who wasn't invited to our grand ball)with a bat (the flying type) interrupted our party and cast a spell on my family. I know right? Mad rude…

I would hope that if you are a sane person reading this post, you know that I am in fact, not the Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna of Russia. I just really liked the Disney movie.

I was actually born in Africa, in a place called the Pride Lands, to a King and his Queen. My birth meant that my Uncle Scar was second in line to take the throne and--

Okay, okay, I'll stop now.

I really was born in Africa though, but in Egypt. Cairo, to be more specific. We moved to the United States when I was two years old, and I don't remember much before the age of three. My first memory, actually, involved a yellow dress that I was very fond of wearing, and sitting on the beach in Sharm El-Sheikh with my parents and younger sister, who was still in diapers at the time. I remember being upset because I had dropped ice cream on my yellow dress.

But that's enough about toddler me.

The summer before sixth grade my parents decided that we'd move back to Egypt for a year, so they can go perform Hajj, the Islamic pilgrimage to Makkah. Why did we have to go to Egypt for that? Well, one of my aunts living in Egypt wasn't married at the time, and she would be able to look after us while my parents were away. Hajj occurs roughly during the middle of the school year, so we'd have to stay for the entire year.

The schooling system in Egypt is not the same one used in the United States, but it's very similar to the one used in the United Kingdom. Education was based on three phases: pre-primary, primary, preparatory, and secondary. Pre-primary is two years long, and it is synonymous to America's pre-school and kindergarten years. Then is primary, which is five years long; followed by preparatory, which is three years long; and finally secondary, which is also three years long. When telling someone what "grade" you were in, you'd say, "Preparatory Year 2," and so on. So you see, a student graduating from a school in Egypt would go to college a year earlier than a student graduating from a school in the U.S. It was just my luck that I had finished my five years of 'primary schooling' and I was placed in year 1 of preparatory school. When we returned to the United States, I took the entrance exam for Al-Ghazaly High School, and they placed me in eighth grade. And that's the story of how I "skipped a grade". It wasn't because I was some kind of super smart child prodigy; I was just in the right place at the right time, so to speak.

High school was whatever, I guess. I transferred to Marist High School, a catholic school in Bayonne, the summer before my junior year and I hated it with every fiber of my being. I was one of two of the first Muslim girl who wore the Hijab to enter that school, and I was the butt of everyone's racist jokes for a good month or two. I would come home every night and cry to my parents about how terrible my day at school was but they wouldn't hear it. So I trained myself not to care, and I found that if you do that long enough, you become numb. I had no friends, and I was the poster child for depression (not the clinical term, just the "I hate everything" term). I had a lot of free time, so I studied (I know, its sad, but I told you I was depressed). I'm not even gonna lie, I was pretty damn smart. And instead of people noticing me for "that thing I wear on my head", I started getting noticed for being "that smart girl from physics class". I was also taking studio art as an elective, and I guess I unearthed some hidden talent there too. My art teacher would display my work in the school hallways, and well, I was noticed for another "something else". Then one day, a group of girls came up to me during lunch and asked me if I wanted to sit at their table. And slowly, I made friends. And that's when people felt comfortable enough to ask me questions about my religion, rather than just make fun of it. And that's when I realized that in order to answer their questions, I had to answer my own first. I bought books about Islam, I asked questions, I searched. And that's when I started feeding my interest in giving Da'wah (literally, "summoning to a call").

Thinking back, I guess my junior and senior years were my golden years. I was smart, I had friends, I wasn't in love (which is always a good thing in my books; it's too distracting), and I was my parents' pride.

Someone once told me that in order for life to maintain its yin-yang balance, you couldn't have a good life all the time. When I first heard that, I thought to myself, "What nonsense." I was a high school senior, I had just gotten an interview with Yale, and I was on top of the world. Three years later, I can say that that person was right. I had a great childhood, and the first half of my adolescent years were even better.

I wish I can say the same about the second half.

College is…not what I had anticipated, to say the least. I hate NJIT, to say the least. I've developed anger issues, to say the least, and I swear I have never been more introverted than I am now.

Meh, there isn't much to say I guess, or to elaborate on, and I don't wanna write just another sob story. I'm just hoping my adulthood will be better, insha'Allah. Y'know, to go back to equilibrium. I just want my life to go back to normal. But 'normal' is a relative term, isn't it?