Untitled Feeling.

I've been feeling this way for days, on and off, but it just won't go away. I don't even have the perfect way to describe what I'm feeling like. It's not something convenient enough to explain in a word or two or twenty. I wish I could just bottle this up and give you a drop.

I feel like a book that someone forgot on their back porch overnight in an unexpected thunderstorm, and then the next day placed it in the sunlight to dry, but last night's rain still left some chapters stuck together and big ugly craters in the pages.

I feel so indecisive. Like when you're driving at 2AM on a deserted highway with no GPS and an uncharged phone, and you're not sure if you already passed your destination or if you still haven't gotten there yet, and so every time you approach a U-Turn, you slow down. Do I take it? Do I keep going? What if I take the U-Turn and it turns out I just missed my destination by a quarter mile? So you keep driving. And you tell yourself, Okay, if I don't get there in four more miles, I'll turn back. And after you finish the four miles and you still haven't arrived at your destination, you still don't know if you're turning back too early. For all you know, it could be just over there. Should you turn back now? And it tears you apart, the indecisiveness. And it frustrates you, the darkness, and the way you can't see beyond the brink of your headlight's glow. And it makes you realize how small NJ really is (there's that dreadful "LAST EXIT IN NJ" sign), and how you're not as good with directions as you thought you were. And it makes you wonder why more people don't drive around at 2AM?! Oh yeah, because they're not fools like you.

I feel so tired. Like I went to the gym and the personal trainer that was there that day was the ex-marine with a buzz cut, a permanent frown, and a shirt that is stretched so tight across his chest you could see the breath fill his lungs every time he inhaled. Except it's not attractive, it's gross. And then after the gym I ran fifty miles to a beach where I swam against the current in my gym clothes, so that every time I tried to kick, my sweat pants would threaten to either come off completely or weigh me down so that I sink to the bottom of the ocean. And after I made it back to shore with my arms limp and my eyes barely open, I had to walk home in my wet clothes, and my sister had finished all the hot water during her bath, so I had to squeeze myself into the corner of the shower, shivering under the stream of cold water. And then I couldn't go to sleep afterwards because my ruffled thoughts make an uncomfortable pillow.

I feel like staying home all day and reading, but every time I pick up a book, I find myself uninterested, and I go through my entire book collection trying to find something that will satisfy me but I keep coming up blank. So I settle for some mindless television, which is a little better, until I realize that I've seen this episode of Friends way too many times and that this episode of The Twilight Zone reminds me of my tenth grade history class, and I hated my tenth grade history class. So I settle on something animated instead, maybe some DBZ, but then I remember that I can't even talk to anyone about it because no one I know likes DBZ. So I just lay there on the couch and stare at the television screen, without really seeing it, and when I reach for my cup of coffee, it's empty because I already finished it two hours ago.

I feel so fed up with people. Everything they do aggravates me. Or makes me want to burst out in tears or stifle a crazy laugh or pull out my hair. Or pull out their hair. Like the way the boy that sits in front of me in class always stretches his arms so that I have to either lean way back in my chair or duck so that he doesn't touch me. Or the way the girl sitting next to me in lecture always puts her handbag too close to my feet so that I can't move without moving her bag first. Or the way people ask me if I'm sad just because I'm not smiling; there are other emotions besides "happy" and "sad" you know. Or the way people can't just let the silence be; it's not always an awkward silence, and you don't have to fill every gap with words. I don't feel like smiling to be polite anymore. I don't feel like sitting through another MSA meeting anymore. I don't feel like chuckling at someone's joke just to be nice even though I don't think it was funny. I don't feel like agreeing just to keep the peace anymore. I don't feel like taking the time to see something your way anymore. I don't feel like being patient anymore. I don't feel like tolerating the company of people I don't get along with anymore. I don't feel like taking my ear buds out to make friendly conversation at the library anymore. I don't feel like talking to anyone anymore. I don't feel like listening to your "words of advice" anymore.

I don't feel like explaining myself anymore, because you still won't understand. I just need some space, and I think you do, too, because even I wouldn't wanna deal with myself in this state.