[A scorching afternoon in the middle of the summer. It’s a week day and Nehal is headed to her class.]
NAFS [a little ticked off because of the weather]: We should just skip class and go to B&N. It's air conditioned there and we can catch up on that book we started yesterday.
BRAIN: C'mon Nafs, we have an exam next week, we need to go to class. Besides, it's only twice a week and it's only a few hours long.
NAFS [snorts]: Yeah, THREE hours long. Why'd you sign up for this dumb class anyway?
BRAIN: Because so-and-so said it’s easier in the summer.
HEART: Ooh, I like so-and-so! She's so nice.
BRAIN: Legs, walk faster.
LEGS: Aight.
NAFS: Not too fast, I hate the slapping noise flip flops make when you walk too fast wearing them. [Embarrassed] See? Now that girl is looking at us.
BRAIN: So what?
NAFS: I don't want people looking!
BRAIN: Why?
NAFS: Stop asking stupid questions.
HEART: I don't think you're stupid, Brain.
BRAIN: Err, thanks. I think.
[Three hours later.]
NAFS: I hate the weather. Now can we go to B&N?
BRAIN: No. We have to go to the car first. Durr.
NAFS: [-.- face] Of course.
HEART: [Suggesting quietly] We should go to that lecture at the masjid.
NAFS: Is the masjid air conditioned?
BRAIN: Don't remember.
NAFS: [rolls eyes] Who's giving the lecture?
BRAIN: Don't remember.
NAFS: [facepalm] Useless!
BRAIN: Oh, wait, I think its such-and-such.
HEART: [brightens] Ooh, I like such-and-such! He's such a great speaker.
NAFS: But we'll miss The Office!
BRAIN: I think I can text Ahmed and tell him to DVR it.
NAFS: What about all that homework we have to do?
HEART: We're going to the lecture.
HEART: We're going to the lecture.
BRAIN: We're going to the lecture.
NAFS: [frowns] Well fine then!
[In the masjid parking lot.]
EYES: [widen] I SPY JOHN DOE!
NAFS: What? Where?!
EYES: Right there! He's coming out of his car.
BRAIN: Yup, that's him alright.
HEART: Guys I'm skipping beats.
BRAIN: Eyes, stop staring! You're so embarrassing.
EYES: Sorry.
NAFS: Wait, I wanna see him again!
EYES: [glance towards him again]
BRAIN: Dammit Eyes! What did I say?!
HEART: [nervously] Guys, I’m doing the whole sledge-hammer-out-of-the-chest thing...
BRAIN: Nafs, behave yourself. Heart, calm down bro.
NAFS: Just one more peek, I promise.
BRAIN: [angry] EYES, I SWEAR IF YOU LOOK AGAIN.
EYES: It was just one last look!
BRAIN: [glares at EYES] Legs, get moving. Let's not wait for the lecture to end.
NAFS: [dreamy-like] He's so cute, going to the lecture.
BRAIN: That doesn't make him cute per se. It doesn't affect his appearance at all actually.
NAFS: [-.- face] Wow, really. Really.
BRAIN: [grins] I'm jus' sayin'.
[Enters masjid]
NAFS: Where is he?
BRAIN: Oh haaaail no, we're not looking for him. Eyes, focus on the floor.
EYES: Aye aye! HHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU GUYS GET IT? HAAHAHA ITS FUNNY RIGHT?
HUMOR: Nah, chill.
BRAIN: Hilarious. We better pray sunnah now. Mind, clear yourself.
MIND: Clear!
NAFS: Jooooooohn Doooooooe la la la la!
BRAIN: Sigh. Mind, try again. Nafs, BEHAVE YOURSELF.
NAFS: Okayokayokay. Jeez.
MIND: Clear!
[Prays two rak'ahs]
NAFS [aside to EYES]: You guys see him?
EYES: Heart won't let us look.
NAFS [frowns at HEART]: What's the problemo?
HEART: Listen, you're not the one who does cartwheels when you see him. That stuff is exhausting. And skipping beats is no fun either.
BRAIN: EVERYBODY SHUT UP. Lecture's starting.
[10 minutes later]
EYES: I SAW HIM! JOHN DOE!
NAFS: Where?!
EYES: My peripheral vision spotted his shirt. I don't wanna look though.
BRAIN: Guys, c'mon! This is a really good lecture!
HEART: I agree with Brain.
NAFS: Brain, it's just one glance.
BRAIN: We already had the last glance in the parking lot.
NAFS: Yeah but now we're in the masjid. New rules.
BRAIN: ARE YOU HEARING YOURSELF? We're in the masjid and you're checking out some idiot guy!
HEART: Hey, don’t call him an idiot! I kinda like him...
NAFS: See? Heart's on my side.
HEART: I didn't say that! I'd rather listen to the lecture, that’s all.
NAFS: Ears can listen while Eyes look at him.
EARS: That would be a negative. Everything comes in through one Ear and out of the other. We'll hear, but we won't listen.
NAFS: C'mon Heart. Don't you wanna see him?
BRAIN: Heart, don't listen to Nafs! You know what the right thing to do is!
HEART: I know what the right thing to do is... but it’s just so tempting!
NAFS: It'll be just one glance, Heart. One glance.
BRAIN: Heart, don't do it! You'll feel stupid after wards, you always do!
NAFS: C'mon, it’s not even like you can see his face. You're just looking at the back of his head. For like, two seconds.
BRAIN: Exactly, which is why it’s not worth it.
HEART: Actually, Brain, it's more like looking at his presence. Just the fact that he's there, just a few feet away. That's what Nafs means.
BRAIN: Okay, I don't get this mushy gushy stuff, but his "presence" does nothing for you. What difference does his being there make? What difference does looking at him make? C'mon, Heart! THINK!
HEART: I'm not good at that.
BRAIN: Well I am! Listen to me!
NAFS: Heart, listen to me. It's not haram to take just one glance.
BRAIN: Wow, Nafs, REALLY?! So what's all that lower-your-gaze stuff we've been practicing for the past seven or eight years?!
NAFS: That's only if he's right in front of you.
BRAIN: Heart, are you seriously gonna listen to Nafs?! THIS IS RUBBISH!
HUMOR: No, THIS IS SPARTAAAAA!
BRAIN: Humor, that's enough. Serious business going on over here.
HUMOR: Right. Sorry.
BRAIN: That was funny though, I’ll give you that.
HUMOR: [grins]
HEART: I don't know what to do.
NAFS: Heart, you've already wasted enough time arguing about this. You missed a good five minutes of the lecture as it is. And you know what, if you don't glance at him, you'll spend the rest of the lecture thinking about him and you won't listen to anything at all. You might as well look now so you can salvage the rest of the lecture. Besides, being in love--
HEART: Like. I'm in like. Never use the l-o-v-e word.
NAFS: [raises an eyebrow] Okay, we both know it's love, even Brain can't deny it, but for the sake of argument, we'll say like. Anyway. As I was saying. Being in "like" isn't haram.
BRAIN: But staring at a guy that isn't a mahram is!
NAFS: Are you sure about that?
BRAIN: Well... I don't know the exact fatwa, but this probably falls under the lower-your-gaze canopy. I gotta remember to e-mail the Chaplain and find out. No, that's a weird question to ask. Even though there's that hadith about how you shouldn't be shy when it comes to asking about Islam. Or was it an ayah? No, I'm pretty sure it was a hadith. But still, I'd be too embarrassed to ask a question like that. Hmm. Maybe I'll google it. How would I even word that though? You think Yahoo answers might have a similar question already on there? Maybe I'll--
NAFS: Brain.
BRAIN: What? Oh, my bad.
NAFS: You gotta quit the monologue gig. It freaks us out.
BRAIN: Oh hush! You distracted me! I'm not crazy!
NAFS: I didn't say you were. [to HEART] You've wasted enough time. Just look so you can get back to listening to the lecture.
HEART: [uneasy] I guess you're right.
BRAIN: HEART!
EYES: Ooh, he's so cute, all paying attention and stuff!
BRAIN: [bitter] Eyes, that's enough. Heart, I hope you're happy.
NAFS: Heart is happy, aren't you, Heart?
HEART: [frowning] Doing. Jumping jacks. And. Cart wheels. Can't. Talk. Help. Me?
BRAIN: [glares at NAFS] Why do you have to go and be all... instinctive?! You're an animal, you know that? You're disgusting.
NAFS: [smiles] That's just who I am.
BRAIN: Fine, but you didn't have to pull Heart into this! You know how pliable Heart is!
NAFS: Heart wouldn't have listened if you had a better argument. You need to hit the gym bro. You're getting weak and I'm getting stronger.
BRAIN: [furious] JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE STRONGER DOESN'T MAKE YOU RIGHT.
NAFS: Whoa, calm down bro.
BRAIN: WHAT, YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME WHAT TO DO NOW TOO?!
EYEBROWS: Uh, Brain, calm down. We're like, really squished up into a frown over here.
BRAIN: EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UP. HEART, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! HUH?!
HEART: [crestfallen] No...
BRAIN: YOU GOT YOUR TWO SECONDS OF LOOKING AT HIM, DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL ANY BETTER?! DOES IT?!
HEART: No...
BRAIN: HOW DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL THEN?!
HEART: Stupid...
BRAIN: YEAH, I TOLD YOU SO. I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO!
HEART: I'm sorry.
BRAIN: WHAT'S YOUR APOLOGY GONNA DO FOR US NOW, HUH?! I'M ANGRY AND YOU'RE HURT. DAMMIT WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO NAFS? WHEN HAS NAFS EVER STEERED YOU RIGHT?!
HEART: Never...
BRAIN: YEAH, EXACTLY. YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M HAPPY YOU'RE HURT. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO GO ABOUT YOUR SILLY GIRLISH FANTASIES AND LOOK AT THE BACK OF SOME DUDE'S HEAD YOU'LL THINK TWICE ABOUT IT.
EYES: Yeah, actually now that we think about it, it totally wasn't worth it. We saw like, the back of his head. Big deal.
EYEBROWS: You're not helping. Just shut up.
BRAIN: SEE? EVEN EYES AGREE THAT IT WASN'T WORTH IT.
HEART: Okay, okay. I promise next time--
BRAIN: I DON'T WANT WORDS, I WANT ACTION. STOP LISTENING TO NAFS.
NAFS: You guys are totally making me look worse than I really am. Not cool.
BRAIN: SHUT UP, NAFS. NO ONE LIKES YOU.
NAFS: COME AT ME BRO.
BRAIN: I WOULD, BUT I'M TOO SMART TO FIGHT WITH YOU. I KNOW BETTER. UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE HERE. [glances at HEART]
HEART: Okay, I get it!
BRAIN: YOU BETTER.
HUMOR: Why can't we all just get aloooong?
BRAIN: WE'RE JUST HAVING A DISCUSSION--
NAFS: So why are you still yelling?
HUMOR: I wish that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles and we'd all eat it and be happy.
HEART: lol
NAFS: lol
BRAIN: lol
HEART: I liked that movie.
BRAIN: It was okay I guess.
NAFS: Guys I'm hungry. When is this lecture over?
BRAIN: ZOMG THE LECTURE!! Mind, clear yourself.
MIND: Clear!
